Who Stole the Soap Dispenser?

I’m trying to figure out why someone would want to steal their high school’s soap dispenser.


Whatever it Takes: Kristina hangs desperately from a soap dispenser in the 200 hallway.

Kristina Heller, Staff Writer

People of Broomfield High School, it seems we have a problem. Someone/some people keep stealing the soap dispensers. Now I can’t seem to figure out why, so I thought of three theories to answer this asinine act:

  1. You didn’t have a family heirloom.
    1. So, instead of choosing a necklace or a piece of clothing, you decided on your high school’s soap dispenser. You can pass it on from generation to generation and tell your heirs of this great feat. You can hang it up on your wall and look at it every morning when you wake up. And then your children and their children can look at this every day and be reminded of Broomfield High’s bathroom because, obviously, it’s the most magical place on Earth.
  2. You ran out of soap and your mother won’t buy you more.
    1. It’s totally not like a pandemic is happening, so you thought you would steal the bathroom’s soap. And you definitely want every other kid’s germs all over your computer, desk, and chair. And instead of squirting the soap into a separate bottle you had to take the whole thing. And how on Earth did you do it!? Are they not attached to the wall? Such an impressive act of heroism.
  3. Finally, you were really bored, so instead of being a normal person and reading a book or going on a walk, you decided to steal your high school’s soap dispenser. Let me repeat that, your greatest accomplishment in life is stealing your high school’s soap dispenser. I can just imagine you crossing that off your bucket list, along with eating a potato chip with ketchup and stealing the bathroom sink.

Dear people of Broomfield High School, please stop stealing the soap dispensers. There is a global pandemic and you don’t want the gross, unwashed hands touching your things.