How to Wear a Mask (A Satire)

The world’s (potentially) most difficult task made easy

Kristina Heller, Staff Writer

Difficulty Level: Expert

You can choose between different types of masks.

Step 1: Select your mask
First, you will want to grab any mask of your choice. I recommend cloth masks because they can be washed and reused, but any mask works. Then, take the two loops of string or cloth that are on the mask, and place them around your ears. At this point, your arms are probably exhausted, but stay strong, and don’t give up. You still need to make sure to get the fit comfortable and just right for you.

This is the correct way to put on and keep on a mask.

Step 2: Put it on (correctly)
I know this will be one of the hard parts: you need to pull the mask above your nose so it is not exposed, but not so far up that your chin is exposed. If you can’t remember where your nose is, sing yourself the “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes” song. By identifying your body parts, you’re likely to recall that the nose is the pointy thing that helps you smell and taste foods. Unless you’re a Muppet, it’s always on your face and in the same place. I know this is incredibly difficult to do, but make sure it covers from the bottom of your chin to the midsection of your nose (if it does not, then you are wearing it incorrectly.)

Step 3: Keep it on
This is the hardest part of this tutorial: keep the mask on! Don’t just take it off three seconds later; leave the mask on! I know you think it’s impossible to breathe, but just keep trying. You can do it. Remember breathing requires you to go in and out.

Common Mistakes Made:

The mask doesn’t do anything if it’s below your chin.

1. Keeping mask below chin
I don’t care if you have a beautiful beard underneath your mask; make sure to keep it up. Your beard does not hide the fact that you have a mouth, and thus you produce spit particles, which spread germs.

Masks are not effective if you don’t cover your nose.

2. Not covering the nose
Because you have all taken a biology class—or at least know how to breathe—you all know you breathe out of your nose. So, when you breathe through your nose, you spread germs. Keep your mask up. I do recognize this is an onerous concept to grasp, but you must do it.

3. Not wearing one at all

Come on. Try. I gave you this tutorial so you can know how to wear one.

4. Cutting a hole in your mask
This defeats the “hole” purpose of the mask. You should not cut holes in your mask to make it easier to breathe because those holes still allow germs to escape and get people sick.

If you have any questions on how to put on a mask, contact me and all your questions will be answered. I truly believe you can put on a mask, leave it on, and wear it properly.

Thank you for completing this tutorial; now you are all experts on how to wear a mask correctly.