How To Survive Finals Week
May 20, 2016
- Stay up until the ungodly hours of the night (or morning) studying. After slacking off for the entire semester, you have a lot to make up for. But don’t worry, most of the work your teacher assigned over the past three months has been busywork, so it’s completely possible to learn the entire curriculum in a matter of hours. Cramming is highly recommended by educational professionals.
- Since it’s already 3:00 a.m., there’s little point in sleeping now. Make the most of your remaining hours by doing mental exercises to stimulate the brain and prepare yourself for your test.
- If you’re really dedicated, you won’t study at all. Teachers always say not to stress about finals- be the epitome of confidence by instead choosing to catch up on the latest episode of How to Get Away With Murder.
- Contemplate baking your teacher a cake or buying them flowers, hoping they will show some sympathy for you and forgive you for being a terrible student. Everybody hates a suckup- but that’s probably just a myth.
- Write your teacher a long, woe-is-me email describing in detail how busy you are and how your dog is sick and you have band practice after school each day and work every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Take every step to make yourself seem more busy, more sensitive, and more worthy than every other student in the class. Hint at a possible extension, maybe an alternate test date, but don’t overtly ask for one. If correctly executed, this subtlety could gain you an extra 1-2 days of procrastination.
- Once you have to face the inevitable, bring a snack to each test. Doritos and Monster energy drinks will keep you alert and focused. Pure, concentrated sugar is proven to help even the most hopeless student pull off a good grade.
- Look good every day of finals week. While everyone else is wearing sweats and looking for the motivation to even brush their hair in the morning, try really hard to make them all look bad. Nobody will judge you for doing this.
- Once the the week is over, spend time stressing about each individual final. Swear to yourself that you’ll be a better student next year. That you’ll stop procrastinating.
- Repeat process.
